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I am writing this journal as a way of explaining my absence over this last year. I feel I owe it to all of you, who have patiently waited for me, and ESPECIALLY to those who were waiting on art that they had given me their hard-earned money for. These people have since received a personal apology from me, and their refund (plus extra money as my way of saying thank you). But no one has received a solid explanation yet. So this is for those of you who would like to know. Please do not feel you have to read this journal, as it's mostly personal babble, I will by no means be offended if you choose to skip it. (and I promise journals from here out will be back to fun and happy things LOL <3)
Also please keep in mind, I am absolutely not seeking any form of sympathy, I do not care for that whatsoever. I just feel you all deserve to know what has been happening, since you have all been so supportive and caring during this time. If I feel people are taking this journal the wrong way, I will just remove it. I do not want anyone thinking this is a pity-fest. It's simply an honest explanation.
As most of you probably know already (if my art above hadn't given you the impression yet LOL), I struggle with major depression, social anxiety and GAD. To help you get a better perspective, a few of the reasons for my depression & anxiety include;
- My childhood (as with most kids these days sadly, mine was also quite screwed up) - My parents were (and still are) alcoholic - which of course I'm sure many people understand, affects anyone associated with them - I was bullied all through school (which is also becoming far too common) - Grew up in a very financially poor environment, had to begin working practically the day I turned 15 (legal working age here) to just pay for school. Ended up working with my school to have me on a "work program" for credits, where I spent half the school day working at my job instead, and because of that was able to just squeeze by into graduation. - My first real boyfriend turned out to be a pedophile who wouldn't allow me to leave him - if I tried he'd threaten or attempt suicide in front of me (it took a year to muster up the courage to leave - he never killed himself). This is what probably took one of the largest tolls on me mentally. - The following boyfriend I was with I was forced to live with due to financial issues. He got into the habit of physically abusing & harming me. He was extremely controlling. In the end, I finally called to cops and was escorted to my mother's apartment for the night. - I forgave my father for what he had done when I was younger, which enraged my mother. She constantly guilt trips me about anything to do with him. - Being lied to constantly by the one person I finally thought I could trust.
So this gives you an idea of the state I've been in.
At the end of 2012, I found out that the one person I finally was able to say I trusted had been lying to me for the last year regarding a few things I was very sensitive about. This escalated my depression to self harming & suicidal thoughts once again (which I had sadly attempted -and failed obviously- in the past as well). I felt very alone and scared. I also happen to suffer from Colitis, and because of the stress it got extremely aggravated, and after about a week of being sick, I had to go to the hospital as I was severely dehydrated. After getting out of the hospital, I found Skye (my bird) being sold at a store, and the moment I met her I knew she was special. She helped give me even just brief moments of happiness when I was feeling low and sick. She was the only creature that I could say truly made me happy anymore.
In February of 2013, I was constantly crying at work, I had to keep leaving to sit in the bathroom and cry, or harm myself. The psychiatrist I had been seeing ordered me on a medical leave from work, and jacked up the medications I was taking. At one point, I remember taking 5 different medications at once. From mid-February to the end of July, I was off work on medical leave. Because of the medications, I had no energy to even try to do anything, so most of the time I just slept, even though I didn't want to. I wanted to fix myself... but the whole time off just felt like I was walking in a giant, frightening, hopeless fog.. It was the most disturbing, unexplainable feeling.. and through all the medication, I still felt sad.
For those who are good with feeling music, this song explains the feeling fairly well... <3:
In May of 2013 during my leave, I lost my bird Skye which some of you may have heard about. This might seem like nothing to some of you, move on and get a 'new bird'. But as mentioned earlier, she was truly the only creature that made me happy anymore. The whole situation was extremely horrifying for me, and of course, worsened the depression. Even though it was exhausting for me at the time, I would spend hours upon hours searching for Skye outside, I think I recorded nearly 120 hours of searching before I lost track. I needed her back so bad. In July of 2013, my long-term partner whom I'd been living with, decided one day to leave me. It was very sudden and out of no where for me.. and we still had to live together until September due to financial reasons, we each took a room and that was that. During July, I talked to my psychiatrist about all that was happening, and he wanted to up my medication more and said 'no' to me returning to work. I got fed up and began weening myself off all the medications (luckily I know quite a bit about Psychology and medication, so I did it under my own discretion, and ended up safe, had no problems), and called my work and told them I'm returning in August despite what the doctor told me to do. I needed money, I have no financial support so I had to support myself somehow. On August 1st 2013, I returned to work.
The following month in August 2013, Skye was found, which at that point I had my reward at $1,200 (again, some may think that's dumb for 'just a bird', but she was and is, everything to me). I had been using money from my credit card and small amounts of insurance from the leave to pay for bills and rent, so I had to borrow the $1,200 for the reward as well, which just pushed me further in debt. I genuinely feel the reason I'm still alive is because Skye was found. She has always been my angel from the very start, she's always been the only light in my life. Knowing she was with me again gave me the strength to fight off depression just a little while longer, and dodge the suicidal urges.
I finally found a reason to push myself just a bit further. I found a basement suite to move into, and finally at the end of August, we both moved out of our house and parted ways domestically. My partner (at the time) and I still worked together and still do, and so we remain friends despite all that has happened between us.
When I moved, I had to take the 7 birds we had with me. After a while of being on my own, I accepted the fact I cannot take care of ALL of them the way they needed.. I gave 3 (which were all emotionally connected to each other) to my father, and another one had to go to a friend. I'm now left with the 3 that I could never part ways with even if I had no other choice, Skye, Penelope and George. However, all I've been able to really do since September is work, since I have so much debt, along with rent and bills to pay. And when I finally got home from work, I would need to tend to the birds, cook, clean, have a shower, try to squeeze in some of my psychology work (I'm trying to get my certificate in Adult Psychology...), among any other chores/tasks, then go to bed so I could do it all again. Never any time for friends, or anything enjoyable, and this includes deviantART. So this of course aggravated my depression some more and has got me back at the suicidal state again. I was exhausted, lonely, frustrated, and sick.
But finally I got a break.
My father has offered to allow me to stay with him for a year or so rent-free, to finally be able to catch up on life (get a car, finish my course, pay off debts and possibly even SAVE money...). Which is very very lucky for me, I have been out on my own since I was 18 (not by choice), so I did not have the opportunity to do these things. So in the next few months I will be moving in with him. And although my mother will cause as many problems as she can about this (and already has started), in the end it's definitely going to be a mostly positive experience. I've started seeing my psychiatrist again, and we are going to work on alternative therapies to overcome resistant depression. I'm also going to have to be doing a lot more walking once I move, since it's quite far from work. So there will be lots of wandering around on foot, and bussing (until I can afford a car), and just lots of outdoors time, which I feel will help as well. Living with someone again will also help, since me and him are both 'lone wolves' so to speak, but we both enjoy company now and then. Just having someone there to ask how their day was will help. I will also be living in the area where a lot of my old close friends live, so I'm hoping maybe I can get back in touch with them and get back into having friends again...
Also, as it stands now with the ex, we are still good friends. I understand his view and why he did what he did, and he understands mine, and vice versa. I wouldn't want to be with me either in that state. He deserves better, and I absolutely need to work on myself before anything else.
I have never had the opportunity to be a truly happy person. I'm hoping this is the break I've always needed... All I can do until then is learn, and try. But you will be seeing more of me from here out.
Thank you all for your patience and (hopefully) your understanding. x
Favorite visual artistJay AxerFavorite moviesThe Notebook, Dear John, Hunger Games Series, Twilight SeriesFavorite TV showsOrange is the New Black, House, The Office, MLP:FIMFavorite bands / musical artistsN1NT3ND0, Fall Out Boy, Boys Like Girls, Linkin Park, Deadmau5, LiGHTS, Owl City, Mariana's TrenchFavorite booksHunger Games Series, Beyond the Deepwoods, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Twilight SeriesFavorite writersE. L. James, Louise L. Hay, SarkFavorite gamesSkyrim, Mario Party, Pokemon SeriesFavorite gaming platformPS3, Nintendo 3DS, Dreamcast, GamecubeTools of the TradePaint Tool SAI, Paint Shop Pro 7, Wacom Bamboo TabletOther InterestsParrots, reading, singing, psychology, dreaming.